A Class Reunion

We have started plans for our 45th Class Reunion, even though it won't be till 2008. Each year it seems, the same few grads have to start this, or it just doesn't get done. Bet it's the same in every class.

A few years back, I joined the Classmates site. And, found some folks who went most of the way through school with us, but had to move away before our senior year. Somehow this little fact has evolved into my being in charge of updating addresses. Even though I'm now almost 50 miles from "home." While meeting with the friend who had the last known addresses, I tried to show her the classmates site on her computer. And discovered that our school has two listings. And, I was registered on the "wrong one." Not really wrong, but when I signed on I listed my school as a Marion, Ohio school. Which it is. Sorta. It's in Marion County and it's a country school that was a consolidation of three small schools just before my freshman year. I always wondered why so few old classmates had signed up with Classmates. Well, DUH. My friend and most of the others knew that our school was actually in Morral, Ohio. A VERY small town that was one of the consolidated schools. So they were signed up there. Now I've had to join the other site. (I took the free membership on it.) So I wrote to Classmates and asked why the two couldn't be combined since it's the same school. Wonder if I'll ever get any response.

All things considered, I guess my "mistake" brought us back in contact with some old friends who may now be able to join us. If they can come to Ohio from other states. With a year's warning, we can hope. But, am I going to have to pay for two schools to get full benefits to e-mail the others on the "right" school site? Doesn't seem fair when it's just one school. The things I find myself caught up in.

I can do most of this new task with the computer and the Marion phone book. And, the help of friends still in Marion. Which is a good thing, because I'm still having those fatigue problems. The e-mails are flying. Six of us got together for lunch to start this planning. Since a couple of the gang spend winters in Florida, we decided to start early. So, I don't need to be rushed. We already have our next lunch planned in August to see what we've accomplished. That last drive back to Marion went well. I did get awful tired, but was able to spend the next couple of days resting. You can bet I'll be resting up for a few days before the next lunch. This has given me a chance to take my mind off how I feel and look forward to something new.

Ours was a class of about 60. Our reunions usually bring about half of those and their spouses back together. I loved school. I guess that is why I don't understand why some of the classmates have not been interested in joining us. Talking to the ones who had lunch together, I find that not all of us have that same memory of being a close class. They said my memory is clouded by the fact that my parents had those hayrides where everyone was invited. I knew I was lucky to have folks who always had a group of kids around. But, I've been reminded just how unusual that was. Thinking back, I realize I never saw the homes of a lot of my classmates. But a lot of those kids knew where our farm was and spent time at my house. Even though it was at the extreme edge of the school district. No wonder I am always so excited to get together again with the old gang.

I'm already excited about a reunion that is still a year away. And, I've already exchanged e-mails with some old friends who I've just discovered again. That should make me feel better. This will be the first reunion where we can bring back some of those who moved away.

I'm A Mess

I really am a big mess. But, being a mess isn't bothering me as much as not understanding why I'm such a mess. I use to know who I was and I believe I liked who I was. Where did that go wrong? Why? Is it linked to this uncertainty about my health? Or is it just a hormonal thingy due to age? That is the most tormenting aspect of all these strange emotions. After breaking my wrist, someone at Therapy shared their Mono with me. I'm the only one I know who waited till I was 61 to get the kissing disease! This is not an example to follow. It knocked me clear off my feet, for a YEAR. That year is over. So why do I still feel so bad? I've never been one to just accept what is. I need to understand why. The questions in my head bomb-bard me constantly.

Emotions are a messy thing. They sneak up on you. They can't be controlled. I've come to this state of mind this time because I've been crying again about my brothers death. For two days I've been weepy about something that happened almost 30 years ago. Why? It's not his birthday and I got past the anniversary of his death months ago. I believe, I think, I feel, I seem to have accepted the fact that I will never know how or why he died......then it all over- whelms me again at some unknown time for some never understood reason. And it crushes me all over again. Why? I've gone on with my life. My sons are grown and the next generation is growing up too. I don't think about it all the time. So why do I crash when I do think about it? After all this time, it doesn't make sense. Why? Why? Why?

Do these emotions, over whatever in each of our lives, hit us because we are women? Because we are human? Do men feel it too and just hide it better? Is this really about my brothers death, or is it totally about death in general? I had lunch with old friends from school just before (three days ago) this current episode. Another one of our classmates just learned she has much advanced cancer and isn't going to make it. That is a very good why for these feelings. But, I learned of her illness several weeks before lunch with my other friends. And, I haven't seen the sick lady in years and years. Did this all bring about some idea of my own death? And any death always leads me back to my brother, who died so young.

I haven't felt well for way too long. Age and Mono will do that to you. Makes sense. And, let me assure you, Mono and Meno don't mix well either. Emotions? I've never been a patient women. OK. OK. That might be a slight exaggeration. But, there is a difference between easily becoming frustrated and this sudden absolute ANGER. It always surprises me when the rage takes over. Thank goodness I've never been violent. I erupt in yelling, not swinging or throwing or slamming.

But, I'm drifting from what I feel. This not feeling well. Three Doctors say I need sinus surgery. They blame the fatigue on that. I'm not buying it. I've had the sinus/nasal deviation all my life. So why do I feel a like limp rag that can't stand up? I'm a Raggedy LeeAnn doll slumped in a hidden corner. I'm not getting answers from our medical profession. Now don't get me wrong. I really don't believe this is anything terminal. It's too vague and unspecified. I'm not really sick in a sick way. I am fatigued in a not really sleepy way. Run down. That's what they use to call it. I call it a mess. And, I'm tired of being a mess. But, I'm even more tired of not understanding why I'm a mess. Who is this mess of an old woman I see in my mirror now. I don't like her too pretty much.