I'm A Mess

I really am a big mess. But, being a mess isn't bothering me as much as not understanding why I'm such a mess. I use to know who I was and I believe I liked who I was. Where did that go wrong? Why? Is it linked to this uncertainty about my health? Or is it just a hormonal thingy due to age? That is the most tormenting aspect of all these strange emotions. After breaking my wrist, someone at Therapy shared their Mono with me. I'm the only one I know who waited till I was 61 to get the kissing disease! This is not an example to follow. It knocked me clear off my feet, for a YEAR. That year is over. So why do I still feel so bad? I've never been one to just accept what is. I need to understand why. The questions in my head bomb-bard me constantly.

Emotions are a messy thing. They sneak up on you. They can't be controlled. I've come to this state of mind this time because I've been crying again about my brothers death. For two days I've been weepy about something that happened almost 30 years ago. Why? It's not his birthday and I got past the anniversary of his death months ago. I believe, I think, I feel, I seem to have accepted the fact that I will never know how or why he died......then it all over- whelms me again at some unknown time for some never understood reason. And it crushes me all over again. Why? I've gone on with my life. My sons are grown and the next generation is growing up too. I don't think about it all the time. So why do I crash when I do think about it? After all this time, it doesn't make sense. Why? Why? Why?

Do these emotions, over whatever in each of our lives, hit us because we are women? Because we are human? Do men feel it too and just hide it better? Is this really about my brothers death, or is it totally about death in general? I had lunch with old friends from school just before (three days ago) this current episode. Another one of our classmates just learned she has much advanced cancer and isn't going to make it. That is a very good why for these feelings. But, I learned of her illness several weeks before lunch with my other friends. And, I haven't seen the sick lady in years and years. Did this all bring about some idea of my own death? And any death always leads me back to my brother, who died so young.

I haven't felt well for way too long. Age and Mono will do that to you. Makes sense. And, let me assure you, Mono and Meno don't mix well either. Emotions? I've never been a patient women. OK. OK. That might be a slight exaggeration. But, there is a difference between easily becoming frustrated and this sudden absolute ANGER. It always surprises me when the rage takes over. Thank goodness I've never been violent. I erupt in yelling, not swinging or throwing or slamming.

But, I'm drifting from what I feel. This not feeling well. Three Doctors say I need sinus surgery. They blame the fatigue on that. I'm not buying it. I've had the sinus/nasal deviation all my life. So why do I feel a like limp rag that can't stand up? I'm a Raggedy LeeAnn doll slumped in a hidden corner. I'm not getting answers from our medical profession. Now don't get me wrong. I really don't believe this is anything terminal. It's too vague and unspecified. I'm not really sick in a sick way. I am fatigued in a not really sleepy way. Run down. That's what they use to call it. I call it a mess. And, I'm tired of being a mess. But, I'm even more tired of not understanding why I'm a mess. Who is this mess of an old woman I see in my mirror now. I don't like her too pretty much.