Feelings
I still hate what that man put the boys through, and me too. To tell my 17 year old son to find him like that. And his own son. TK wasn't stupid. He heard his Father tell JT to look for him. He didn't need to hear rumors to figure out for himself that the "accident" was suspect. I wasn't able to shield him from that.
I am amazed at how the memories are coming back. All you have to do is start to dig a bit. I put all of this out of my mind years ago. It happened in late August of 1982. I thought it was important for me in able to get rid of the guilty feelings I was carrying. And, I didn't want the burden of that hate. I convinced myself that whatever his reasons were, HE chose to do it. I did what I could by getting the best medical treatment I could and staying till he got out of the Hospital. The worst part of remembering is that it's not just the memory. These feelings of quilt and hate are intertwined in the memories. It's all together, and you can't bring back one without the other tagging along.
It wasn't over when the deed was done. Or even after he was on the road to recovery. Later when I had to talk to the Sheriff, I was hit with that suspiciaon of being directly involved. The Sheriff told me it was a good thing I'd been at the lanes with over two dozen witnesses. That's when I realized W hadn't known I wasn't coming right home after work as I'd been doing since JT was with us. I'd told the boys, but I hadn't mentioned it to W becasue of what transpired between us. He must have thought I'd be back and JT would tell me what he'd said. Did he want it to be me who found him? I still believe that. While this raced through my mind, the Sheriff had gone on speaking. He told me they knew nothing had happened as W described it. He couldn't have dropped the gun and been in the line of fire. Something about the position of the rifle and W's position didn't match story and fact. The Sheriff told me that as long as W stuck to his story, their hands were tied. This was confusing me and I asked him what he thought happened. For a moment I thought they knew what had happened. The Sheriff told me he believed it was an accident, but that W was covering for the boy, JT. They believed JT shot W, and W was covering for him. That sent a big chill through me. What if W had realized they would think that? Or did he realize too late and have to stick to his story? I realized it wasn't as bad as it could have been. My 17 year old might have been blamed. Would the law have believed two boys if they said they heard one shot from the kitchen. What if I'd gotten home before that shot? The Sheriff never did ask me what I believed. Was he so sure of himself? I was too much in shock, with too many feelings and emotions and thoughts all at once to offer my own belief. I just needed out of there.
Losing JT to his Father had been bad. Losing my brother, J, had been worse. The aneurysm had been scary and would forever cause pain. Not to mention losing our home in foreclosure and another failed marriage. Now this. Try to imagine my emotional state. All of this had occured within a four year period.
OK. OK. I understand, you'd rather know the rest of the story. So, back to details.
I am amazed at how the memories are coming back. All you have to do is start to dig a bit. I put all of this out of my mind years ago. It happened in late August of 1982. I thought it was important for me in able to get rid of the guilty feelings I was carrying. And, I didn't want the burden of that hate. I convinced myself that whatever his reasons were, HE chose to do it. I did what I could by getting the best medical treatment I could and staying till he got out of the Hospital. The worst part of remembering is that it's not just the memory. These feelings of quilt and hate are intertwined in the memories. It's all together, and you can't bring back one without the other tagging along.
It wasn't over when the deed was done. Or even after he was on the road to recovery. Later when I had to talk to the Sheriff, I was hit with that suspiciaon of being directly involved. The Sheriff told me it was a good thing I'd been at the lanes with over two dozen witnesses. That's when I realized W hadn't known I wasn't coming right home after work as I'd been doing since JT was with us. I'd told the boys, but I hadn't mentioned it to W becasue of what transpired between us. He must have thought I'd be back and JT would tell me what he'd said. Did he want it to be me who found him? I still believe that. While this raced through my mind, the Sheriff had gone on speaking. He told me they knew nothing had happened as W described it. He couldn't have dropped the gun and been in the line of fire. Something about the position of the rifle and W's position didn't match story and fact. The Sheriff told me that as long as W stuck to his story, their hands were tied. This was confusing me and I asked him what he thought happened. For a moment I thought they knew what had happened. The Sheriff told me he believed it was an accident, but that W was covering for the boy, JT. They believed JT shot W, and W was covering for him. That sent a big chill through me. What if W had realized they would think that? Or did he realize too late and have to stick to his story? I realized it wasn't as bad as it could have been. My 17 year old might have been blamed. Would the law have believed two boys if they said they heard one shot from the kitchen. What if I'd gotten home before that shot? The Sheriff never did ask me what I believed. Was he so sure of himself? I was too much in shock, with too many feelings and emotions and thoughts all at once to offer my own belief. I just needed out of there.
Losing JT to his Father had been bad. Losing my brother, J, had been worse. The aneurysm had been scary and would forever cause pain. Not to mention losing our home in foreclosure and another failed marriage. Now this. Try to imagine my emotional state. All of this had occured within a four year period.
OK. OK. I understand, you'd rather know the rest of the story. So, back to details.
posted by LeeAnn | 11:28 AM
2 Comments:
I don't even remember the Sheriff's asking me any questions. I know they must have at some point. I just don't remember it.
Well you've certainly got me hanging on tenterhooks. Checking back every day for updates. Hey! It's the 24th. already. Where's the rest (next installment) of the story?
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