I Was Stalling
As long as I stayed with W, I didn't have to admit to myself, or anyone else that I'd made a second bad marriage. My family certainly knew. But, most of our friends knew nothing about a troubled mariage. The ones we bowled with. Our card club. I'd kept a united front for just about everyone who knew both of us. I don't even believe W knew just how I really felt. Even at the end there were few arguments. Which seems rather odd for me, as I try to piece it together now. I'm very quick now to argue and shout. It must have been part of my effort to hide the obvious. I was leading a double life. One at home and around "our" friends. And the one at work and with "my" friends. And it upset me that W didn't even seem to notice, though he may have been ignoring it the same way he ignored anything he didn't want to face.
Another reason I was stalling then was for TK. Our son wanted to take Karate lessons. W didn't want his son to learn somthing he couldn't do. He told me that. So he had signed them both up for lessons. They were doing something together and really enjoying it. I knew a breakup would put that in jeopardy. As long as my family was content, I felt I could just let things slide.
Besides, my biggest problem was how could I support TK and myself with only a part time vending job. I knew from working only 4-5 hours a day with a job that allowed me to stop anytime I needed to let the blood drain from the A.V.M. when I pushed myself too hard; I knew I wouldn't be able to find work that I could do and that would support us. When I thought about it, I felt trapped and scared. I'd lost JT and I didn't want another son to leave me and go to his Father. I didn't see any way out.
Then once again, events in my life just happened and I don't remember actually making decisions. Though I must have. I just found myself along for the ride.
I met Bear about the same time that the reasons for stalling were falling apart. The Karate lessons had progressed to the second belt and now TK was getting better at it then his Father. He was going to get his third belt before W. And, that didn't sit well with W. Instead of being proud of his son, he resented him. I realized the truth and where it was headed one day over a simple chore. I'd asked W to husk the sweet corn for a meal. He was sitting on the steps outside the kitchen door at the second rental, with the corn and a bowl. TK was telling him about his day and standing over the husked ears. The child was tugging on his shirt, shaking it and W suddenly yelled at TK and knocked him right off his feet. TK fell backwards hard. I saw it through the kitchen door and ran. "What was that for?", I shouted. W turned on me and said somthing about TK getting dirt on the corn. I always wash the corn anyway and that shirt wasn't that dirty and the boy hadn't done anything to warrent being knocked down. That was the first episode. W had been hard on JT also, but I thought it was due to being a step-son. Now he was starting on his own son the same way. He'd been a wonderful Father to a little boy, but as the child grew, we was becoming more and more demanding and unforgiving and unreasonable. At least that's the way I saw it.
It was the final straw for me. Or maybe the best excuse I'd been given. I didn't analize it. I knew it was time to go. I could ignore my own unhappiness, but I wasn't going to ignore TK's.
Another reason I was stalling then was for TK. Our son wanted to take Karate lessons. W didn't want his son to learn somthing he couldn't do. He told me that. So he had signed them both up for lessons. They were doing something together and really enjoying it. I knew a breakup would put that in jeopardy. As long as my family was content, I felt I could just let things slide.
Besides, my biggest problem was how could I support TK and myself with only a part time vending job. I knew from working only 4-5 hours a day with a job that allowed me to stop anytime I needed to let the blood drain from the A.V.M. when I pushed myself too hard; I knew I wouldn't be able to find work that I could do and that would support us. When I thought about it, I felt trapped and scared. I'd lost JT and I didn't want another son to leave me and go to his Father. I didn't see any way out.
Then once again, events in my life just happened and I don't remember actually making decisions. Though I must have. I just found myself along for the ride.
I met Bear about the same time that the reasons for stalling were falling apart. The Karate lessons had progressed to the second belt and now TK was getting better at it then his Father. He was going to get his third belt before W. And, that didn't sit well with W. Instead of being proud of his son, he resented him. I realized the truth and where it was headed one day over a simple chore. I'd asked W to husk the sweet corn for a meal. He was sitting on the steps outside the kitchen door at the second rental, with the corn and a bowl. TK was telling him about his day and standing over the husked ears. The child was tugging on his shirt, shaking it and W suddenly yelled at TK and knocked him right off his feet. TK fell backwards hard. I saw it through the kitchen door and ran. "What was that for?", I shouted. W turned on me and said somthing about TK getting dirt on the corn. I always wash the corn anyway and that shirt wasn't that dirty and the boy hadn't done anything to warrent being knocked down. That was the first episode. W had been hard on JT also, but I thought it was due to being a step-son. Now he was starting on his own son the same way. He'd been a wonderful Father to a little boy, but as the child grew, we was becoming more and more demanding and unforgiving and unreasonable. At least that's the way I saw it.
It was the final straw for me. Or maybe the best excuse I'd been given. I didn't analize it. I knew it was time to go. I could ignore my own unhappiness, but I wasn't going to ignore TK's.
posted by LeeAnn | 3:03 PM
1 Comments:
You said this was the first episode. No it wasn't. It was just the first you say. He had learned a long time before this how to hit without leaving a mark. And he used that knowledge at least a few times a week, since around the time we moved into the second rental.
oh, and one small point: The style we were learning was Japanese Kempo (before the Japanese/American split). Although I was ready for the third belt (purple) before him, he stalled my test for the week or two it took him to catch up (that was when we lived at the first rental). His "accident" (hope I'm not giving too much away here) was the week I was supposed to take the test for the fourth belt (blue). For anyone interested, the belt order of Old Kempo was: White, Orange, Purple, Blue, Green, Brown (3 degrees), Black (10 degrees)
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