Reliving J's Death
I was just devastated after that and it took me ever so long to find solid ground again. Even after everything that had happened that day, W. refused to let me talk about it. He was shutting me out again, when I needed his support the most. This time it truly was the beginning of the end of my marriage. I just didn't care anymore. I was beginning to believe that there were worse things, even for our son, then leaving the man who didn't seem to care about what I needed. Was that the kind of love I wanted T.K. to grow up thinking was normal.
PNT was no longer available to confide in. FLF and I had said all there was to be said. It was just a big drama to her and she didn't offer the support I needed either. Which made me think twice about confiding in any of my other friends. I knew several who would listen, but I didn't think anyone could help me. I felt any one else's interest would have all the wrong motives to help me. It was my low point.
I wanted desperately to talk to my Mother. But if this knowledge was tearing me up, how much worse would it be for the Mother who lost her son? Mom had more of less accepted J's death as suicide. She believed he had throat cancer and could accept suicide as a means to end the pain. She missed him terribly and we still cried together and talked about J every time we were together. Her own M.S. had taught her that a person could just take so much. She had even told me she could forgive him. Then she confided to me that I needed to know that she was thinking of her own suicide when the M.S. pushed her too far. All of this put me in a horrid situation. With the pain of my own A.V.M., I understood it all too well. Understanding too much can be an awful burden.
I had to let Mom talk about knowing why J felt suicide was an option. I had to listen. But, I couldn't talk about it all being a lie. I couldn't destroy her the way I felt destroyed. The only ones who could have really understood what I was feeling, and helped me, were the family I didn't dare confide in. I've never felt so lost and alone.
FlyRod had asked me to come back to the office any time I wanted to talk. He was so Fatherly and I did go back several times. We avoided the subject I most needed to talk about, but I did confide how upset I was with my husband. Most of our conversations were about people we both knew and what was going on in our town. General gossip. Gradually, after FlyRod met me, there was some teasing on CH 34. Maybe it was his effort to take my mind off what he knew. Maybe he just wanted to cheer me up. But after a bit I suspected he had another motive in mind. He was telling the others on the radio that they should meet me. Comments about not knowing what they were missing. There was something about my being even sexier than my voice. It all made sense one day when FlyRod told me in his office, that I should meet Running Bear, who's wife had left him. FlyRod told me that Bear would be someone I would find it easy to talk to. I hadn't even managed to leave W yet, and FlyRod had matchmaking in mind. I didn't think I was interested.
PNT was no longer available to confide in. FLF and I had said all there was to be said. It was just a big drama to her and she didn't offer the support I needed either. Which made me think twice about confiding in any of my other friends. I knew several who would listen, but I didn't think anyone could help me. I felt any one else's interest would have all the wrong motives to help me. It was my low point.
I wanted desperately to talk to my Mother. But if this knowledge was tearing me up, how much worse would it be for the Mother who lost her son? Mom had more of less accepted J's death as suicide. She believed he had throat cancer and could accept suicide as a means to end the pain. She missed him terribly and we still cried together and talked about J every time we were together. Her own M.S. had taught her that a person could just take so much. She had even told me she could forgive him. Then she confided to me that I needed to know that she was thinking of her own suicide when the M.S. pushed her too far. All of this put me in a horrid situation. With the pain of my own A.V.M., I understood it all too well. Understanding too much can be an awful burden.
I had to let Mom talk about knowing why J felt suicide was an option. I had to listen. But, I couldn't talk about it all being a lie. I couldn't destroy her the way I felt destroyed. The only ones who could have really understood what I was feeling, and helped me, were the family I didn't dare confide in. I've never felt so lost and alone.
FlyRod had asked me to come back to the office any time I wanted to talk. He was so Fatherly and I did go back several times. We avoided the subject I most needed to talk about, but I did confide how upset I was with my husband. Most of our conversations were about people we both knew and what was going on in our town. General gossip. Gradually, after FlyRod met me, there was some teasing on CH 34. Maybe it was his effort to take my mind off what he knew. Maybe he just wanted to cheer me up. But after a bit I suspected he had another motive in mind. He was telling the others on the radio that they should meet me. Comments about not knowing what they were missing. There was something about my being even sexier than my voice. It all made sense one day when FlyRod told me in his office, that I should meet Running Bear, who's wife had left him. FlyRod told me that Bear would be someone I would find it easy to talk to. I hadn't even managed to leave W yet, and FlyRod had matchmaking in mind. I didn't think I was interested.
posted by LeeAnn | 8:16 PM
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