Confusion
I thought writing about J's death was hard, but I'm having a harder time sorting out this next period of my life. The sequence of events is not easy for me to get my mind around. It was a period that I've shut away in some deep corner and spent years trying to forget. Now I'm determined to put it in words, but first I have to to wade through it all and try to make sense of it.
I need to back up and fill in the important things that let to the decisions that led to everything that happened next. Sometimes it's not even a decision that rolls along taking us in new directions. It can be a simple act.
W bought me a base C.B. radio. Actually he asked me what I wanted for an anniversary gift the summer before we moved into the first rental, then told me to go get it for myself. So, I bought myself the base radio. It was set up the first time at the first rental. I'd only had the mobile unit in my car before that. Then FLF and I could talk to each other and others in the evenings from our own homes. A base gets out a lot further than a mobile. Before I'd gotten mine, she and her family had used channel 23 and had a circle of friends there. So I joined them on CH 23. We also continued our teasing on CH 19 (the truckers and drivers channel that everyone mobile preferred) and I spent my time flipping between both channels.
Sometime after we'd moved into the second rental, FLF and I were talking one night on CH 23. She was having trouble with her reception. We lived about 8 miles apart with me in the country and FLF in town. Someone, not far from her house, was "bleeding over." That means they had a powerful radio and every time they talked, it "bled" over the other cnannels and caused problems on her reception. FLF told me to wait while she went searching channels till she found them. Then she came back to our channel to get me and we both went up to CH 34. It was more or less a "if you can't lick um, join um" kind of thing. We jumped into the conversation on CH 34 and met a new group. No decisions were made, it just happened. There was Running Bear, Fly Rod, and Mighty Tread, who was doing the bleeding and brought us into the group. Also their wives who didn't talk much, and others who came and went. These were the ones who were going to effect my future the most. Two of them dramatically. One quickly and one permanently.
These things happened over time and over lapped each other and were woven into my life in ways that are hard to seperate and put in stories. My feelings and emotions were assaulted and soothed and turned every which way over the coming months.
I had spent over 3 years since my brothers death and my aneurysm trying to keep my marriage in one piece. I was so determined to keep T.K.'s family whole and protect him from his half brothers fate, that the compromises were destroying the me I didn't recognize anymore. Something had to snap, but it took a chain of events and time to happen. Let the Drama begin. We were all just along for the ride.
I need to back up and fill in the important things that let to the decisions that led to everything that happened next. Sometimes it's not even a decision that rolls along taking us in new directions. It can be a simple act.
W bought me a base C.B. radio. Actually he asked me what I wanted for an anniversary gift the summer before we moved into the first rental, then told me to go get it for myself. So, I bought myself the base radio. It was set up the first time at the first rental. I'd only had the mobile unit in my car before that. Then FLF and I could talk to each other and others in the evenings from our own homes. A base gets out a lot further than a mobile. Before I'd gotten mine, she and her family had used channel 23 and had a circle of friends there. So I joined them on CH 23. We also continued our teasing on CH 19 (the truckers and drivers channel that everyone mobile preferred) and I spent my time flipping between both channels.
Sometime after we'd moved into the second rental, FLF and I were talking one night on CH 23. She was having trouble with her reception. We lived about 8 miles apart with me in the country and FLF in town. Someone, not far from her house, was "bleeding over." That means they had a powerful radio and every time they talked, it "bled" over the other cnannels and caused problems on her reception. FLF told me to wait while she went searching channels till she found them. Then she came back to our channel to get me and we both went up to CH 34. It was more or less a "if you can't lick um, join um" kind of thing. We jumped into the conversation on CH 34 and met a new group. No decisions were made, it just happened. There was Running Bear, Fly Rod, and Mighty Tread, who was doing the bleeding and brought us into the group. Also their wives who didn't talk much, and others who came and went. These were the ones who were going to effect my future the most. Two of them dramatically. One quickly and one permanently.
These things happened over time and over lapped each other and were woven into my life in ways that are hard to seperate and put in stories. My feelings and emotions were assaulted and soothed and turned every which way over the coming months.
I had spent over 3 years since my brothers death and my aneurysm trying to keep my marriage in one piece. I was so determined to keep T.K.'s family whole and protect him from his half brothers fate, that the compromises were destroying the me I didn't recognize anymore. Something had to snap, but it took a chain of events and time to happen. Let the Drama begin. We were all just along for the ride.
posted by LeeAnn | 3:10 PM
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