So Very Lucky
If everyone has a turning point in their lives, this was mine. Several times I've looked back over that period in my life. I'm continually amazed at just how lucky I was. Most of the group that met regularly, eventually knew about my aneurysm. Maybe that was why they wanted to protect me. I believe I was just lucky to find myself in a bunch of really nice, decent people. Watched over by God. The women made our group complete. Those men each had oportunities to take advantage of me. No one ever even tried. There were an even half dozen truckers who I rode with over time. Some of the trips took me as far as Cleveland. I asked one of the men once what they got out of having me along. He laughed and told me I was the "eye candy" that other truckers saw out on the road and made my friends look good. Those longer trips always included one stop for coffee (tea for me, I don't like coffee) and I was the pretty, unknown woman they could be seen with. I don't know why that amused me, but it did. I guess I just liked the attention.
No fuss or special deal was made over my condition when the gang met. If they talked about it when I wasn't there, they only asked how I was when I joined them. Gradually otheres popped in when they were in town. And spouses (not mine, though he was invited) joined us when schedules allowed. I felt safe and protected and I'd never enjoyed myself so much. I was able to forget my troubles for hours at a time. (My spouse only met them when I invited a couple to our home for cards.)
It was PNT who I got closest to. I rode in his big rig a lot. This man let me talk. He encouraged me to talk. Some days, when the group dispersed, we would go out to the 38 acres or along the river or some lake and walk and talk. Sometimes FLF or RDP would walk with us, or one of the others. But, I could say the most about my feelings when we were alone. Sometimes he would lecture me. He was concerned about some of the teasing on the C.B. that FLF and I would get into with strangers just passing through town. He kept reminding me that anyone with a C.B. could zero in on our locations by the strength of the signal. He insisted I had a sexy voice and I was coming across the radio as someone he knew I wasn't. I didn't care. I loved the attention. I'd never had attention like that before. I was a woman in my early 30's who still had not been told I was pretty. (Even after two marriages.) Suddenly I was hearing it a lot. Did I have to almost die of an aneurysm before anyone noticed me. Life is strange. And, I was so naive, I ended up saying things over the radio that sent everyone into gales of alughter. PNT warned me that strangers couldn't know I wasn't even aware of the double meanings of what I was saying. I was learning though. FLF or PNT or one of the others would always explain it later. And still, I kept saying those things because it always caused the radio to light up. (That's when everyone tried to talk at once and the "in use light" stays lit.) The gang got a kick out of it too, but they worried about me and lectured me.
PNT was my big brother, my best friend. We did get very close, but it was never romantic. We talked about that. He always said it would spoil what we had. I didn't want romance. I needed a shoulder to cry on. I needed someone to help me deal with a life that was out of control. PNT helped me deal with Joe's death. With JT leaving me to live with his Dad. With the probability of the headaches killing me. And also of losing the log home and where I was headed with the man I was married to.
I'm sure there are many who would still call it an affair. PNT was the first man in my life who tried to understand who I was and what I wanted. Without anything but friendship in return. I think he knew me better than I knew myself. Because he taught me how to believe in myself. And he was so wise. When he felt we were getting "too close" he pulled back and reminded me we were friends who had a lot to lose if we spoiled what we had. My emotions were raw and anyone could have taken advantage of me. This man not only recognized my values, he helped me know how important they were to me. God sent me just what I needed, when I needed it most. His name was PNT.
No fuss or special deal was made over my condition when the gang met. If they talked about it when I wasn't there, they only asked how I was when I joined them. Gradually otheres popped in when they were in town. And spouses (not mine, though he was invited) joined us when schedules allowed. I felt safe and protected and I'd never enjoyed myself so much. I was able to forget my troubles for hours at a time. (My spouse only met them when I invited a couple to our home for cards.)
It was PNT who I got closest to. I rode in his big rig a lot. This man let me talk. He encouraged me to talk. Some days, when the group dispersed, we would go out to the 38 acres or along the river or some lake and walk and talk. Sometimes FLF or RDP would walk with us, or one of the others. But, I could say the most about my feelings when we were alone. Sometimes he would lecture me. He was concerned about some of the teasing on the C.B. that FLF and I would get into with strangers just passing through town. He kept reminding me that anyone with a C.B. could zero in on our locations by the strength of the signal. He insisted I had a sexy voice and I was coming across the radio as someone he knew I wasn't. I didn't care. I loved the attention. I'd never had attention like that before. I was a woman in my early 30's who still had not been told I was pretty. (Even after two marriages.) Suddenly I was hearing it a lot. Did I have to almost die of an aneurysm before anyone noticed me. Life is strange. And, I was so naive, I ended up saying things over the radio that sent everyone into gales of alughter. PNT warned me that strangers couldn't know I wasn't even aware of the double meanings of what I was saying. I was learning though. FLF or PNT or one of the others would always explain it later. And still, I kept saying those things because it always caused the radio to light up. (That's when everyone tried to talk at once and the "in use light" stays lit.) The gang got a kick out of it too, but they worried about me and lectured me.
PNT was my big brother, my best friend. We did get very close, but it was never romantic. We talked about that. He always said it would spoil what we had. I didn't want romance. I needed a shoulder to cry on. I needed someone to help me deal with a life that was out of control. PNT helped me deal with Joe's death. With JT leaving me to live with his Dad. With the probability of the headaches killing me. And also of losing the log home and where I was headed with the man I was married to.
I'm sure there are many who would still call it an affair. PNT was the first man in my life who tried to understand who I was and what I wanted. Without anything but friendship in return. I think he knew me better than I knew myself. Because he taught me how to believe in myself. And he was so wise. When he felt we were getting "too close" he pulled back and reminded me we were friends who had a lot to lose if we spoiled what we had. My emotions were raw and anyone could have taken advantage of me. This man not only recognized my values, he helped me know how important they were to me. God sent me just what I needed, when I needed it most. His name was PNT.
posted by LeeAnn | 9:05 AM
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