Expecting Death Any Day

Bankruptcy isn't a quick process. The hurt goes on and on. You see your name printed in the paper several times over many months. People don't know what to say to you. I believed it was W's fault and he blamed me. Even if I wanted a divorce, it would have had to wait till our finances were settled. We continued to bowl together and spend time with our closest friends. But, most of the folks around here didn't even know about the aneurysm. I felt pretty much alone, and I was changing.

Waking up every day, I was wondering if the headache (my time bomb) would explode into another aneurysm. And, if it did, would I die or (even worse) be a vegetable. I challenge anyone to live with that, without going just a bit crazy.

That fall when TK started back to school and I found myself alone for hours, I knew I had to do something. Grandmom Chief worked for the employment office. I went to see her and asked if she could find me a part time job to take my mind off myself. I didn't want to go back into office work because of the eye problem. And, lifting was out. I wasn't sure she could find me anything, that would allow me to be home when TK came home from school. I didn't want those cashier type hours or have to work evenings. She came up with something I would never have thought of. She found me a vending job. Not a route. This company set you up in an account where you filled and cleaned machines and did minor maintenance. It was like running a small business. You did all the ordering for your account and those orders were brought to you by a delivery man. I was also responsible for the money bag which was picked up by the delivery man (along with the next orders) when he brought my supplies three times a week. I had a storeroom at the account and I had a cart to haul things to the machines. So there was very little lifting and with planning I could lift everything in small boxes. Nothing heavier than a 6 pack of pop. And, best of all, my account was the local hospital. Actually, two hospitals. They had recently combined and I had both buildings. Deliveries were made to each building and they were only a few blocks apart in our small town. The only thing I didn't like was the monthly Inventory we had to turn into the company. The job worked great for me. I had a supervisor, but she had girls in other accounts and once she realized I was responsible, I seldom even saw her. The schedule was flexable and the work was easy and had enough variety to be fun. It also gave me a few dollars I could call my own. I didn't even offer anything to W, and he never had the nerve to ask. I was becoming a different person then he was used to.

I didn't tell anyone I worked with (or around) at first that I was waiting to die. But, I did start getting a reputation for being a bit wild. What did I have to lose. I wanted to live before I died.

It was the C.B. radio that got me headed down that road. What a glorious year I had waiting to die. Even with the bankruptcy hanging over me. Maybe even because of it. Another factor must have been that I no longer felt I owed W much of anything. Yup, my wild year of waiting to die was a pretty good year. I guess I should regret it, but I don't. The only thing I would regret now is if I had caused my son any embarrassment. He assures me that didn't happen. And his older brother was too far away to be effected. Then when I realized I was way past the deadline and still alive, I had to grow up again. Still, that period can make me smile.