Intrusion From The Past

It's been years ago now, (over 45 years) and I've already written about it back on March 21, '06. But, that long ago rape intruded back into my life this summer. Isn't it odd how things can come back even after you think they are long gone and dealt with. I mentioned when I wrote about it that I'd never told my family.

I was with my brother S. this summer and we were alone. He told me that he had experienced something he felt was a bit strange. A man had been following him. Even stopped in front of his house and just sat there in a pick up truck. But, when S. started toward his truck, the man left. S. said he could never get a good look at the guy. He was beginning to feel that the man was stalking him. Then several days before my visit, S. was mowing his front lawn and the guy stopped again. This time he got enough nerve to get out of his truck. It was W. My brother said he was asking about me, and they talked a bit. Then W. told S. that he was always sorry for what he'd done to me. S. didn't know what he was talking about and asked him what he did to me. That seemed to surprise W. and my brother said W. turned and almost ran to his truck. And, S. hadn't seen him since. No more "stalking." S. was laughing about my crazy ex boyfriend when he asked me what W. did to me. Maybe I should have thought twice. But, I just blurted it out. "He raped me, that's what he did to me!" That must have been totally not anything S. had even thought of. I could see he was shocked. I went on to tell him about it and we talked a bit.

I don't know if I feel any better now that my only surviving close family member knows. At first I worried that S. might feel the need to go after the man. But, after our talk, and now that some time has passed without incident, I realize S. is much more mature than that. It is an old problem and nothing could be gained by any kind of vengeance after all this time. But, it also amuses me that W. could have believed that he wouldn't have been hunted down way back then, when my brothers were younger and more foolish. Or that my parents wouldn't have wanted the police involved. Even though that is exactly why I never told anyone. How could he have thought that S. already knew and would stand and chat with him in the street? S. won't go looking for him, but I don't believe it would be a good idea for W. to try another "visit".

On another note, is it my imagination, or is it just me......or has the relationship between me and my brother gotten closer this summer since our talk. On the second occasion we had to be alone together, we finally had that long avoided talk about our brother Joe's death. It was the first time I've told S. about my experience after Joe's death. (Written about back in late Nov. of "06) S. believes it could have been either a suicide or murder. He's not convinced either way. But, I did learn that there are a lot of Joe's friends in our home town who have always believed it was murder. My story didn't really surprise S. Our talk has just given me more questions, and no answers. I guess it's one of those things I'll never understand or have full knowledge of. And, in a way, that is OK. Back in those first years, I was concerned that if Joe had been murdered, someone was free to do it again. I consoled myself with the knowledge that the police knew more than they were telling me. Over the years since, my absolute belief is that my brother is with Our Father in Heaven, (and now our parents and grandparents too) and that is all that is really important to me. I heard a religious figure on T.V. say that the idea of "closure" is a myth. We never have true closure till we are together again with all our loved ones "on the other side." I'll just have to wait. Meanwhile, I like that my surviving brother and I are closer. How odd that this came about because of that crazy old boyfriend who raped me in 1962 and stopped this summer to chat with S.