My Own Little Epiphany

I'm back. I have new glasses and now I can see again. (Which was just one of the reasons I've been gone awhile.) My eyes have given me a lot of problems ever since the fall last May. Actually the problem does go back to my birth. Along with the Arterial Veinous Malformation in my head, I was born without the vitreous (a jell like substance that fills and supports the eyeball behind the lens) in my eyes. If you've been reading this blog, you already know that. This problem was discovered during my second pregnancy. Which I've always considered one of Gods little blessings. If the problem had shown itself during the first pregnancy while under the Army's care in Germany several years earlier, I probably wouldn't have gotten the immediate care or diagnosis.

That fall last May, tore loose some of the scar tissue that is in the back of the eye where the vitreous should be. This time none of the tissue was attached to the retinae so there wasn't the same damage. I pretty much knew what had happened and I was waiting for things to settle before changing my prescription. (That prescription was new in January before the fall.) The fuzzy, smoky fog had mostly dissolved and I made my appointment with a Doctor I had seen just once, the last time I got glasses.

At this appointment, I learned of another of Gods little gifts. The first time I saw this Doctor, he knew what I was talking about when I described my eye problem. This time he told me he'd injured one of his own eyes years before and had experienced some of what I did. A pulled, not detached, retinea which caused him some scar tissue. Other Doctors over the years didn't know what I was talking about (said they couldn't see any problem in my eye) and actually dismissed me as being mistaken. (My doctor from 1971 had died and I didn't have any of his records.) What a relief. I now have a Doctor who I have faith in. And he gave me some advice that is working beautifully. "Relax. Don't struggle so hard to see." The loose scar tissue in my left eye (that I fell on) is flapping around and occasionally covers or bumps the lens. It's not just common floaters that I notice. When the scar tissue interferes with my vision, I shouldn't try so hard to see through or around it. He told me to blink a few times. If that doesn't help immediately, I should close my eyes a few seconds and relax. Maybe tip my head back if I'm sitting. This advice is for when I'm reading, which is when I have the most trouble. Or looking at something that needs tight focus. It's not such a problem in a general wide view. Relax. Don't struggle. Such a simple thing. I always tend to panic a bit when my vision goes fuzzy or dark blotches get in the way. But, tensing up makes it worse. It's been very frustrating. Along with the headaches (That A.V.M. time bomb up there that is worse with age) and the fear for my vision, (plus sinus and other assorted old age problems) I've not been a happy person. Or easy to live with.

Now for my Epiphany. I had a dream last night. (Rare in itself with my insomnia problems) The story line doesn't matter. (I was me, but living a different life involving music.) But, the lesson I woke up with, my Epiphany, may (I hope) help me be a happier person, and easier to live with. My deep faith has always been a part of me. It's just there and I know God is in Heaven. I've always believed we are here to learn lessons not possible in a perfect Heaven. To follow the Golden Rule and help each other. I know it, I believe it, but it hasn't made this life any easier. (Sometimes, especially when the pain is bad, I just want God to let me go home to him.) My dream was wrapped around music and mixed up with the Doctors words. "Relax, don't struggle so hard to see." I woke up with the words of an old gospel song ringing in my head. "There's A Better World Awaiting, In The Sky, Lord, In The Sky." Suddenly it was more clear then it had ever been. This world is temporary. The struggle is temporary. We do the best we can. Struggling through life, trying to see what is beyond us, gets us nowhere and causes pain to our loved ones. Now if I can just hang on to this feeling. "Relax, don't struggle so hard to see." "There's A Better World Awaiting, In The Sky, Lord, In The Sky."