They called him Zero
Isn't there a character in every group? I never in my life met anyone more deserving of being called a character then the man they called Zero. He was the kind of man who always had a big smile on his face. Even when he did something really stupid and was being yelled at. Of all things, he was a maintenance man. Some of the following stories about his doings are funny and some are pure gross.
Most of the time, Zero worked the second shift, but he was around enough days for me to get to know him. And I usually saw him when I had to go back in the evening. He wasn't really stupid, but he sure did a lot of stupid things. Like one winter morning after he'd worked 3rd. His shift was over and everyones car windows were covered with ice. The others were out there scraping windows before leaving when Zero went to his car with a bucket full of water he'd boiled. He threw it on his front windshield and the glass shattered. Nothing ever fazed Zero. He just threw down the bucket, climbed in his car with the broken glass and water turned to ice and drove off. It was all anyone talked about when they came into my canteen. But, that story doesn't end there. He got his window fixed and later that same winter they went out again to find ice on their windows. This time he was on 2nd shift and it was just after 11pm. Zero headed back into the factory and the group still outside was taking bets about whether he was dumb enough to do it again. He wasn't. This time he went back to his car with an arm load of newspapers. He spread them out on the glass and set them on fire. Another broken windshield. This time he didn't get it fixed. He said if there wasn't any glass, it couldn't ice over and he could see better. He drove the rest of that winter without a front windshield.
Zero was working nights when the drinking fountain just outside my storeroom door started backing up. (Did they keep switching his shifts so the same folks didn't have to deal with him all the time?) He was assigned the task of clearing it so the water would drain again. When he couldn't get it clear with the drain cleaner they usually poured in it, he went looking for another solution. He didn't wait, or give it time to work or try again. He got one of the high pressure air gizmo's they used to blow some of the machines clean, and he blew it through the water fountain. It worked, the water was draining again. But, it never occurred to Zero to wonder where that blockage went. The closest opening in that water line was the sink in my storeroom.
I got to work that morning and unlocked my storeroom door. The stench hit me before I could even turn on the light. My first thought was dead rats, but how could it have smelled so bad just between the time I'd left till I came back. I flipped on the light and back peddled, gagging and trying not to puke. The walls around my sink were dripping with the worst black shiny, slimy, thick, moldy, yucky, gooey, stinky black gunk I'd ever come across. All the way up to the 14 foot ceiling. The cleaning supplies I kept on the shelves over the sink were covered with it. It was on the side of my freezer and puddled on the floor. It looked like someone had exploded a bomb of black slime. And the smell!!!!! Thank goodness it shot straight up from the sink and none of the food stored on the other side of the long room was even near any of the mess. Maintenance and a janitor and I spent a couple of hours taking everything out of the room and then they hosed the whole room down and sprayed it with bleach. I didn't think Zero was so funny after that.
Zero was one of those men who could take apart any machine and put it back together. But, he didn't think things through to a logical conclusion. His hobby was steam engines. Show him a picture and he could build a small working model of any steam engine with parts he found where ever, never intended for what he used them for. He would bolt his little steam engines to a trailer and display them at farm shows and fairs and festivals. They all steamed and whistled and moved and they always drew a crowd.
Folks at A.N.C. loved to tell about the time he decided to build a small cannon. Zero lived out in the country where a group of houses clustered on both sides of a main highway. You might not call it a village, but it had a Church and a small Ma & Pa kind of store/gas station and it has a name. Though you won't find it on any state map. I don't know what his neighbors thought of him, but I bet it would be interesting to hear. Zero built his cannon and proceeded to test it. He shot his cannon ball through the stained glass window in the Church next door.
Then there were the stories that really grossed me out. When we had our special dinners, I always made sure that I served Zero myself. The others could help themselves, but no one wanted to be in line behind Zero. I learned that early on when they came to me and complained because Zero used a dirty screw driver to cut himself a piece of one of the retirement cakes. We all saw him pick up things off the factory floor and eat them. So everyone else knew why I always served Zero......except Zero. The man thought I had a crush on him!!! I was teased about it till I threatened to stop serving him. That shut them up.
If you are squeamish, you may want to skip this next bit. I also suggest you put down anything you are eating or drinking. The janitor came into my canteen one day looking absolutely green. He had been cleaning the mens restroom while Zero worked on a blocked toilet.....with his hands. The janitor said Zero's false teeth fell out, dropped in the stool and Zero just fished them out and put them right back in his mouth. I can't even say I was surprised. His teeth didn't fit well and they were always falling out. I'd seen him myself, pick them up with filthy hands and plop them right back in. Nothing fazed Zero. But, he gave everyone plenty to talk about. After that though, I preferred not to hear the stories. Believe me, there is no way I could have made this up.
By The Way. Once A.N.C. closed it's doors, Zero got a job in the same factory where Bear was working. They sent him out one day to fix a tractor that was leaking gas. Zero used a blow torch on it and set the tractor on fire. His new employers found a lie on his job application, and he was let go. I have no idea where he is today.
Most of the time, Zero worked the second shift, but he was around enough days for me to get to know him. And I usually saw him when I had to go back in the evening. He wasn't really stupid, but he sure did a lot of stupid things. Like one winter morning after he'd worked 3rd. His shift was over and everyones car windows were covered with ice. The others were out there scraping windows before leaving when Zero went to his car with a bucket full of water he'd boiled. He threw it on his front windshield and the glass shattered. Nothing ever fazed Zero. He just threw down the bucket, climbed in his car with the broken glass and water turned to ice and drove off. It was all anyone talked about when they came into my canteen. But, that story doesn't end there. He got his window fixed and later that same winter they went out again to find ice on their windows. This time he was on 2nd shift and it was just after 11pm. Zero headed back into the factory and the group still outside was taking bets about whether he was dumb enough to do it again. He wasn't. This time he went back to his car with an arm load of newspapers. He spread them out on the glass and set them on fire. Another broken windshield. This time he didn't get it fixed. He said if there wasn't any glass, it couldn't ice over and he could see better. He drove the rest of that winter without a front windshield.
Zero was working nights when the drinking fountain just outside my storeroom door started backing up. (Did they keep switching his shifts so the same folks didn't have to deal with him all the time?) He was assigned the task of clearing it so the water would drain again. When he couldn't get it clear with the drain cleaner they usually poured in it, he went looking for another solution. He didn't wait, or give it time to work or try again. He got one of the high pressure air gizmo's they used to blow some of the machines clean, and he blew it through the water fountain. It worked, the water was draining again. But, it never occurred to Zero to wonder where that blockage went. The closest opening in that water line was the sink in my storeroom.
I got to work that morning and unlocked my storeroom door. The stench hit me before I could even turn on the light. My first thought was dead rats, but how could it have smelled so bad just between the time I'd left till I came back. I flipped on the light and back peddled, gagging and trying not to puke. The walls around my sink were dripping with the worst black shiny, slimy, thick, moldy, yucky, gooey, stinky black gunk I'd ever come across. All the way up to the 14 foot ceiling. The cleaning supplies I kept on the shelves over the sink were covered with it. It was on the side of my freezer and puddled on the floor. It looked like someone had exploded a bomb of black slime. And the smell!!!!! Thank goodness it shot straight up from the sink and none of the food stored on the other side of the long room was even near any of the mess. Maintenance and a janitor and I spent a couple of hours taking everything out of the room and then they hosed the whole room down and sprayed it with bleach. I didn't think Zero was so funny after that.
Zero was one of those men who could take apart any machine and put it back together. But, he didn't think things through to a logical conclusion. His hobby was steam engines. Show him a picture and he could build a small working model of any steam engine with parts he found where ever, never intended for what he used them for. He would bolt his little steam engines to a trailer and display them at farm shows and fairs and festivals. They all steamed and whistled and moved and they always drew a crowd.
Folks at A.N.C. loved to tell about the time he decided to build a small cannon. Zero lived out in the country where a group of houses clustered on both sides of a main highway. You might not call it a village, but it had a Church and a small Ma & Pa kind of store/gas station and it has a name. Though you won't find it on any state map. I don't know what his neighbors thought of him, but I bet it would be interesting to hear. Zero built his cannon and proceeded to test it. He shot his cannon ball through the stained glass window in the Church next door.
Then there were the stories that really grossed me out. When we had our special dinners, I always made sure that I served Zero myself. The others could help themselves, but no one wanted to be in line behind Zero. I learned that early on when they came to me and complained because Zero used a dirty screw driver to cut himself a piece of one of the retirement cakes. We all saw him pick up things off the factory floor and eat them. So everyone else knew why I always served Zero......except Zero. The man thought I had a crush on him!!! I was teased about it till I threatened to stop serving him. That shut them up.
If you are squeamish, you may want to skip this next bit. I also suggest you put down anything you are eating or drinking. The janitor came into my canteen one day looking absolutely green. He had been cleaning the mens restroom while Zero worked on a blocked toilet.....with his hands. The janitor said Zero's false teeth fell out, dropped in the stool and Zero just fished them out and put them right back in his mouth. I can't even say I was surprised. His teeth didn't fit well and they were always falling out. I'd seen him myself, pick them up with filthy hands and plop them right back in. Nothing fazed Zero. But, he gave everyone plenty to talk about. After that though, I preferred not to hear the stories. Believe me, there is no way I could have made this up.
By The Way. Once A.N.C. closed it's doors, Zero got a job in the same factory where Bear was working. They sent him out one day to fix a tractor that was leaking gas. Zero used a blow torch on it and set the tractor on fire. His new employers found a lie on his job application, and he was let go. I have no idea where he is today.
posted by LeeAnn | 3:15 PM
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