Bear's Very Own Alien
Bear has always said I'm not normal. He'll tell you I'm not human and that I came in a saucer from some distant galaxy. It's lots of little things that come up that make him shake his head. The same things that most men use to convince themselves that they are normal and the wife can't be. But he likes to add things like my living through the aneurysm when most don't. Or my 6 inch appendix that my Dr. put in a jar on his office shelf because 2 inches is normal. Or the fact that my eyes are hollow and have no vitreous and I have to be careful not to flatten them. (Thus a special pillow for my head in bed.) Not to worry, yes they are serious, but teasing keeps it light and makes it easier to live with. It's just something to add to those little things like shaking his husband head and teasing the wife when he can't get the better of me.
Such as his problem with shows like Cash Cab. The one where the cabbie asks his passengers questions and kicks them out if they miss three questions. Bear can't answer as many of the questions as I can. Thus, I'm not normal. The other day he asked me who I'd phone if there was a question I could not answer. I just had to say it. "I don't know anybody smarter then me, so I have no idea who I could call." Another head shake and once again I'm not normal. (It's so much fun to always have a come back.)
As if he didn't have enough proof of my alienship, I'm afraid I've given him more. It started with some junk mail. The local hearing aid place sent me a letter offering a free test, and if I took their hearing test, they would give me a free BP Gas coupon worth $10. I haven't had a hearing test since the early 60's when I worked as long distance operator for the phone company. But, I know there is nothing wrong with my hearing. Still, $10 in gas is nothing to ignore. Why not? When I phoned to make the appointment they asked me to bring my husband along because part of the test involved voice recongition. Bear grumbled that it was just a way to sell him a new hearing aid too. He may be right, but he agreed to go.
It was the same test. And it went the same way as the ones all those years ago. I was put in a sound proof booth and I responded every time I heard a tone. Through the usual range of sound. But, then they seemed to get stuck on the high pitches. It just kept getting higher and higher and higher and I kept responding. Then there were longer pauses and another tone. Short pauses and a tone. A bunched up pile of tones all together where I'm sure my eyes got big and I just kept the response as long as the tone. All real high pitches. Finally they let me out of the booth and this man had the same strange look as all those testers all those years ago. My hearing is perfectly normal in the mid and lower range of sounds. But, I'm off their chart on the high pitches. I'm not suppose to hear what I hear. Years ago I was told if someone blew one of those whistles that only dogs hear, I'd hear it. I never knew anyone who had one of those whistles, so I don't know about that. But, no matter how high the pitch, I do hear things. There have often been sounds that make my head hurt even worse, and no one around me believes I'm hearing anything. Now Bear has proof. He says it's proof that I'm not human.
Now, here is my spin on the situation. I've said it before. The good Lord have me special hearing to make up for the bad vision I have. Though I don't know why that compensation should inclued headache causing pitches that make me cringe. It's one of the questions I have for God when he gets around to asking me to join him.
Meanwhile, another hearing aid test bites the dust and they didn't even try to sell me a hearing aid. He usually does other tests too, including the voice recognition test, but they didn't even offer them to me. (Bear didn't even need to go with me.) The man followed us back out to the front desk where he told the receptionist he'd never given a test like that. I had the best hearing he'd ever come across in his life. They gave me $10 in cash because the BP Coupons hadn't arrived yet and watched us all the way out of the office. And I just know Bear is never going to let this one come to an end. I'm now his very own Alien.
Such as his problem with shows like Cash Cab. The one where the cabbie asks his passengers questions and kicks them out if they miss three questions. Bear can't answer as many of the questions as I can. Thus, I'm not normal. The other day he asked me who I'd phone if there was a question I could not answer. I just had to say it. "I don't know anybody smarter then me, so I have no idea who I could call." Another head shake and once again I'm not normal. (It's so much fun to always have a come back.)
As if he didn't have enough proof of my alienship, I'm afraid I've given him more. It started with some junk mail. The local hearing aid place sent me a letter offering a free test, and if I took their hearing test, they would give me a free BP Gas coupon worth $10. I haven't had a hearing test since the early 60's when I worked as long distance operator for the phone company. But, I know there is nothing wrong with my hearing. Still, $10 in gas is nothing to ignore. Why not? When I phoned to make the appointment they asked me to bring my husband along because part of the test involved voice recongition. Bear grumbled that it was just a way to sell him a new hearing aid too. He may be right, but he agreed to go.
It was the same test. And it went the same way as the ones all those years ago. I was put in a sound proof booth and I responded every time I heard a tone. Through the usual range of sound. But, then they seemed to get stuck on the high pitches. It just kept getting higher and higher and higher and I kept responding. Then there were longer pauses and another tone. Short pauses and a tone. A bunched up pile of tones all together where I'm sure my eyes got big and I just kept the response as long as the tone. All real high pitches. Finally they let me out of the booth and this man had the same strange look as all those testers all those years ago. My hearing is perfectly normal in the mid and lower range of sounds. But, I'm off their chart on the high pitches. I'm not suppose to hear what I hear. Years ago I was told if someone blew one of those whistles that only dogs hear, I'd hear it. I never knew anyone who had one of those whistles, so I don't know about that. But, no matter how high the pitch, I do hear things. There have often been sounds that make my head hurt even worse, and no one around me believes I'm hearing anything. Now Bear has proof. He says it's proof that I'm not human.
Now, here is my spin on the situation. I've said it before. The good Lord have me special hearing to make up for the bad vision I have. Though I don't know why that compensation should inclued headache causing pitches that make me cringe. It's one of the questions I have for God when he gets around to asking me to join him.
Meanwhile, another hearing aid test bites the dust and they didn't even try to sell me a hearing aid. He usually does other tests too, including the voice recognition test, but they didn't even offer them to me. (Bear didn't even need to go with me.) The man followed us back out to the front desk where he told the receptionist he'd never given a test like that. I had the best hearing he'd ever come across in his life. They gave me $10 in cash because the BP Coupons hadn't arrived yet and watched us all the way out of the office. And I just know Bear is never going to let this one come to an end. I'm now his very own Alien.
posted by LeeAnn | 5:05 PM
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