Mom's Illness
Mom knew something was wrong, even when we were very little. She had three babies very close togehter, and the Doctors dismissed her concerns and said the pregnancies were responsible. She had a hysterectomy when S was still a baby. But, the strange symptoms continued. One Doctor even told her she could blame her problems on her nurses training, and that she was imagining all the things she had learned could happen. Over the years, other Doctors seemed to echo this mental diagnosis. Even though they weren't told of her training. A person only needs to hear that so many times before they start to doubt themselves. So, she tried to ignore each strange experience when it happened.
Like the afternoon she and I were sitting on the grass in the front yard. We had each washed our hair and Mom liked to let it air dry while we talked. I was still young and she was teasing me about something. I reached out, and with one finger, I poked her on the leg nearest me. She flinched and a strange look came over her face. She touched the spot I had poked. Then she poked at her leg all over. Just the one spot made her flinch each time. Of course, this child was curious. Mom tried to make it seem funny. She told me when we poked that one spot, she would get a sharp knife like pain....but, the pain was at a single spot way up in her back. She tried to make it seem like a joke. But, it scared me. A spot on her leg caused pain in her back. I was old enough, and we both knew that this wasn't normal. I remember the time clearly, it was strange enough to leave an impression on me. But, it didn't make sense. And, it seemed trivial and nothing to get upset over. And, it sure wasn't the kind of thing you would tell everyone. It just reeks of hypochondria.
Mom would be working and suddenly her hand or hands would go numb. She was badly burned once because an iron dropped from her hand, onto the other hand holding the garment. She couldn't pick it back up or move the burned hand fast enough. The burn was severe enough, she had to go to the Doctor. She didn't tell him about the numbness, because by then it was gone again. I remember her telling me, trying to joke, that with the burn pain, she would have welcomed the numbness to stay that time. She shared a lot with me, but always tried to make light of it. There were many times I would be helping with dishes and would yelp when I stuck my hands in dish water she had drawn. She said it didn't even feel warm to her. The strangeness wasn't just in her sense of touch. Noises bothered her terribly. She was always after the boys and Dad for stomping through the house. She "felt" noise and it caused her pain.
One Autumn, we were both sitting in the kitchen at 2 or 3 A.M. I've never slept well and was often up at odd hours. (More about that later) Mom was up because she was experiencing a strange vibration every time she put her head against her bed. Or the back of her chair. She said she could feel the vibration throughout her body, but it only hurt when her head was touching something. Now, that is something you sure wouldn't want to tell just anyone. I had long been her confidant by then. This particular problem went on for quite awhile, then suddenly stopped. Then the next Autumn, it was suddenly back again. Mom finally traced it down and realized the vibration was coming from a grain dryer on a nearby neighbors farm. She especially felt it through the metal bed springs when she tried to go to bed. Many years later, after the diagnosis, she was forced to leave her new home in town when a jackhammer was used on their street. She went to stay with Aunt M and Uncle D, till the street work was done. That much vibration, that close, made her physically sick and she couldn't even describe the pain it caused in her head.
During my early teens, Mom felt confortable with a Doctor and talked to him about some of this. He did try to help her. One of the tests he tried was an allergy test. I went with her. She was on her stomach on a table and they marked a grid on her back and numbered each little square. Then they pricked her skin with each of the things they were testing her for. Her whole back was covered. The idea was to return the next day to see which squares reacted. But, Moms back was reacting before they were half way through. By the time they finished, every square on her back was inflamed and she was in agony. The Doctor was called in and gave her something to ease her suffering. They didn't even chase me out of the room. They were so busy with Mom. The Doctor said he'd never seen anything like this. He wanted to make some calls and see what he could learn. But, he never did find the answers he was looking for and Mom's illness remained a mystery. He did take Mom more seriously after that and she told me that meant the world to her. He was our Doctor till he died, but he never found a diagnosis for Mom. That didn't come for another decade or so. Her symptoms were so varied and they seemed to come and go, and some were so mild she wasn't even sure they were symptoms. Others were so severe, they effected her every day.
Also, to complicate matters, Mom and I both had Psoriasis. Her Father's family had Psoriasis, but just the females. The men did pass it on to the next generation though. Mom and I weren't as bad as Granddads sisters. We just had it on our knees and ankles. I was born with it, and since I'd grown up with it, I didn't really care or let it bother me. Besides, under clothes and bobby sox, it didn't really show. Mom had been treated every time something new came along. Dad had insisted she see a specialist when they were in New Jersey. So she went to a renowned Dermatologist in New York City. He believed psoriasis was responsible for a great many other symptoms. When he told Mom that, she told him about her symptom. This was years before very much was really known about psoriasis. Mom told me she was glad they left New Jersey when they did because she felt like a guinea pig with that Doctor. He had even burned her with a light treatment that was new. For quite awhile she still wondered if the psoriasis in her system could be related to her symptoms.
That question resurfaced as I became an adult and started experiencing some of my own medical problems. We talked a lot during those years. Comparing what we were experiencing. All too often we could each finish when the other would start to describe some strangeness. We began to believe whatever it was, we both had it. That caused a lot of depression for Mom. I was torn between needing to share with her and wanting to avoid making her feel responsible for causing my problems. I was also going through marrital problems, and we had both long known that stress made things worse for us. The psoriasis would flare and new symptoms would pop up.
Moms illness was getting pretty obvious by then. I was scared for her and I worried that this could also be in my future. Then I would feel quilty and selfish. Moms sense of balance kept getting worse. Sudden weakness caused her to fall a lot. That was the period of her broken ribs and my experience with Mom's Mother. I was living an hours drive away, and then my marriage was over. S brought me home and I moved in with my parents and brought my son JT with me.
That was not good for Mom. The stress I caused her then still haunts me today. We still didn't know what was wrong, but no one could believe by now that it was hypochondria. Mom was sick and it was way past time to find out why.
Enough.......I have to finish later. (God, this still hurts.)
Like the afternoon she and I were sitting on the grass in the front yard. We had each washed our hair and Mom liked to let it air dry while we talked. I was still young and she was teasing me about something. I reached out, and with one finger, I poked her on the leg nearest me. She flinched and a strange look came over her face. She touched the spot I had poked. Then she poked at her leg all over. Just the one spot made her flinch each time. Of course, this child was curious. Mom tried to make it seem funny. She told me when we poked that one spot, she would get a sharp knife like pain....but, the pain was at a single spot way up in her back. She tried to make it seem like a joke. But, it scared me. A spot on her leg caused pain in her back. I was old enough, and we both knew that this wasn't normal. I remember the time clearly, it was strange enough to leave an impression on me. But, it didn't make sense. And, it seemed trivial and nothing to get upset over. And, it sure wasn't the kind of thing you would tell everyone. It just reeks of hypochondria.
Mom would be working and suddenly her hand or hands would go numb. She was badly burned once because an iron dropped from her hand, onto the other hand holding the garment. She couldn't pick it back up or move the burned hand fast enough. The burn was severe enough, she had to go to the Doctor. She didn't tell him about the numbness, because by then it was gone again. I remember her telling me, trying to joke, that with the burn pain, she would have welcomed the numbness to stay that time. She shared a lot with me, but always tried to make light of it. There were many times I would be helping with dishes and would yelp when I stuck my hands in dish water she had drawn. She said it didn't even feel warm to her. The strangeness wasn't just in her sense of touch. Noises bothered her terribly. She was always after the boys and Dad for stomping through the house. She "felt" noise and it caused her pain.
One Autumn, we were both sitting in the kitchen at 2 or 3 A.M. I've never slept well and was often up at odd hours. (More about that later) Mom was up because she was experiencing a strange vibration every time she put her head against her bed. Or the back of her chair. She said she could feel the vibration throughout her body, but it only hurt when her head was touching something. Now, that is something you sure wouldn't want to tell just anyone. I had long been her confidant by then. This particular problem went on for quite awhile, then suddenly stopped. Then the next Autumn, it was suddenly back again. Mom finally traced it down and realized the vibration was coming from a grain dryer on a nearby neighbors farm. She especially felt it through the metal bed springs when she tried to go to bed. Many years later, after the diagnosis, she was forced to leave her new home in town when a jackhammer was used on their street. She went to stay with Aunt M and Uncle D, till the street work was done. That much vibration, that close, made her physically sick and she couldn't even describe the pain it caused in her head.
During my early teens, Mom felt confortable with a Doctor and talked to him about some of this. He did try to help her. One of the tests he tried was an allergy test. I went with her. She was on her stomach on a table and they marked a grid on her back and numbered each little square. Then they pricked her skin with each of the things they were testing her for. Her whole back was covered. The idea was to return the next day to see which squares reacted. But, Moms back was reacting before they were half way through. By the time they finished, every square on her back was inflamed and she was in agony. The Doctor was called in and gave her something to ease her suffering. They didn't even chase me out of the room. They were so busy with Mom. The Doctor said he'd never seen anything like this. He wanted to make some calls and see what he could learn. But, he never did find the answers he was looking for and Mom's illness remained a mystery. He did take Mom more seriously after that and she told me that meant the world to her. He was our Doctor till he died, but he never found a diagnosis for Mom. That didn't come for another decade or so. Her symptoms were so varied and they seemed to come and go, and some were so mild she wasn't even sure they were symptoms. Others were so severe, they effected her every day.
Also, to complicate matters, Mom and I both had Psoriasis. Her Father's family had Psoriasis, but just the females. The men did pass it on to the next generation though. Mom and I weren't as bad as Granddads sisters. We just had it on our knees and ankles. I was born with it, and since I'd grown up with it, I didn't really care or let it bother me. Besides, under clothes and bobby sox, it didn't really show. Mom had been treated every time something new came along. Dad had insisted she see a specialist when they were in New Jersey. So she went to a renowned Dermatologist in New York City. He believed psoriasis was responsible for a great many other symptoms. When he told Mom that, she told him about her symptom. This was years before very much was really known about psoriasis. Mom told me she was glad they left New Jersey when they did because she felt like a guinea pig with that Doctor. He had even burned her with a light treatment that was new. For quite awhile she still wondered if the psoriasis in her system could be related to her symptoms.
That question resurfaced as I became an adult and started experiencing some of my own medical problems. We talked a lot during those years. Comparing what we were experiencing. All too often we could each finish when the other would start to describe some strangeness. We began to believe whatever it was, we both had it. That caused a lot of depression for Mom. I was torn between needing to share with her and wanting to avoid making her feel responsible for causing my problems. I was also going through marrital problems, and we had both long known that stress made things worse for us. The psoriasis would flare and new symptoms would pop up.
Moms illness was getting pretty obvious by then. I was scared for her and I worried that this could also be in my future. Then I would feel quilty and selfish. Moms sense of balance kept getting worse. Sudden weakness caused her to fall a lot. That was the period of her broken ribs and my experience with Mom's Mother. I was living an hours drive away, and then my marriage was over. S brought me home and I moved in with my parents and brought my son JT with me.
That was not good for Mom. The stress I caused her then still haunts me today. We still didn't know what was wrong, but no one could believe by now that it was hypochondria. Mom was sick and it was way past time to find out why.
Enough.......I have to finish later. (God, this still hurts.)
posted by LeeAnn | 2:28 PM
1 Comments:
*hugs*
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