The Problem Was

I've realized how much I have glossed over the two years of my life in Germany. Tying to sort it out now, over 40 years later, (and for the sake of our son J) I find myself still trying to be fair to G. My training and the kind of folks who raised me, didn't prepare me for living with G.B. "If you can't say anything good.....don't say anything." Well, there wasn't very much I could say that I would consider good about my husband. But, if this story is going to be fair to me and my memories and who I was trying to be, then I have to go deeper into what wasn't good.

I believe I've already admitted he was selfish and controlling. Now, I am going to admit just how controlling he was with me. (Again, to be fair...maybe he has grown up and changed. But, this is how it was then.)

He spent the two years that I was separated from my family and friends telling me over and over that I was crazy. Stupid, worthless and just plain crazy. He kept threatening to have me committed. At first you know it isn't true. At first, you know someone is just being mean. And, he was too smart to do it in front of anyone. But, when you are essentially among strangers and you hear the same awful words over and over from someone you loved and trusted, you begin to doubt yourself. He knew just what he was doing with his constant mind games. It actually started with the silly ghost stories I grew up with. Ghosts, or actually "Spook", was a word or description for the things that happened without any real explanation. It was as good a name as any, for the things we had experienced. Whatever you believe, sometimes it was real and sometimes it was just an excuse. For example, say you put your coat on the back of a chair, then later you found it someplace else. Blame "Spook", instead of worrying about your mind. Something like a game we slipped into when we were growing up. Then G came along and told me I was crazy. In the beginning I actually caught him moving things or doing things, and then telling me it was all in my mind.

Months and months of being controlled and manipulated. Somewhere along the way, I kind of lost myself. But, not totally. I knew; I recognized that his actions and his words were not the same when we were alone as they were when others were with us. I was able to reason that when I was with the other wives, or if Segroine was with me, I was functioning fine. Then slowly even those lines began to blur. I was actually afraid that I wasn't "well" enough to be a Mother. Then we had the month with his Mother and Sister and I saw my husband acting like everything was fine and he loved me. It began to come together for me. But, I was still not sure enough of myself to even get angry yet.

I was also pretty sure that he was using his band job as a chance to cheat on me. During my pregnancy, I had gone to a lot of the jobs and all the wives were there and we got along well. After J was born, I took him in the infant seat and everyone fussed over him. But I wasn't comfortable taking the baby, and gradually I stopped going as often. Then when I did go, the wives and band members seemed uncomfortable with me there. G convinced me that was in my mind too, but he didn't ask me to go very often anymore. I mostly stayed home with baby J. And, he started staying away for longer periods. I had no evidence and no way of proving anything. At least not in Germany. I was thousands of miles from support and help.

Then came the month of the trip, and his changed treatment and attitude with me. And, with the baby. Before R.B. and B.B. joined us, he had practically ignored his son. Now he was (at least occasionally) making a fuss over him. Occasionally. But even Grandmom and Aunt didn't spend as much time with J as I had expected. So, I put it down as a family kind of thing. The baby was my responsibility and the only time R.B. or B.B. helped was when J was in his car seat between them in the back seat. I remember being surprised by that.

Still, it was having them with us and the trip itself that helped me see clearly who I was married to. That was when it dawned on me that if I was as crazy as he said, why did he leave his son totally in my care. His control was slipping.

After they left and our two years were coming to an end and it was time to return home to the states, I was finally able to stand up for myself and fight back. He went too far.

You see, G wanted me and J to stay in Germany till he had returned home. He didn't want us to go home first. He said he didn't want to miss introducing his son to everyone. I was not going to be left behind in Germany, off base and alone, and this time I argued. He even went so far as telling me there wasn't any money for our return flight till he could return to his job and send for me. Now I could call him a liar and know it was true. I told him if he didn't have the money, my Parents would send me a ticket. I knew his pride wouldn't allow that and I was right. He dropped the money issue. With his Army pay and my supplimental spouses check, which I signed over to him every month, and the $15.00 every night for playing in The Dudes, we should have had a lot more money than he could account for. Our German rent was only $45.00 American a month. We were a lot better off then the other wives I spent my days with. The man had been getting away with anything he felt like, and I had let it happen. I told him I was going home first and things were going to change, or we were through. To my surprise, he seemed to care.